Sunday, August 12, 2007


It's International Hate-Speech Day. Well, not really, but I thought I might inaugurate one as a service to humanity. An opportunity to rage and fling invective without reservation, to benefit all mankind. So I need your help to spread the word, and unleash one of those frenetic bursts of online activity that snowballs uncontrollably, resulting in a massive internet phenomenon worldwide. So... are you ready to cause an electronic firestorm? Get those links, pings, trackbacks and e-mails ready...
And...... Go!

Since I created this hateful day, allow me to lead by example. Here are some things I hate.

* I loathe Helen Clark (doesn't everybody?). Nuff said.
* I hate people using big words incorrectly, trying to make themselves seem intelligent. They're so ambidextrous.
* I freakin' HATE Michael. For those who've never seen LOST series 1 & 2, he's the... [I don't usually like to use the f-word & c-word, but seeing how it's international hate speech day, I feel it's appropriate]... Michael is the f-ing c-word who murdered my all-time favourite TV-crush, Ana-Lucia, only to sail off the island, unpunished for his unforgiveable crime. As a Maori, I must have revenge and NEED to witness his death. So the show's writers better have him killed off soon, or I'll have to scour the video store for movies where actor, Harold Perrineau, is murdered to give me the pleasure of watching him die.

Does that sound nasty? vicious? barbaric? Hey, it's international hate speech day, what did you expect?

I despise OYSTERS. Blecchh! I'm possibly the only Hori who does. A gastronomical no-no that brings shame on my whanau and iwi (not that they need any help). Everything about oysters offends me: the eye-popping price tag, the bitter metallic aftertaste, and the pallid grey lumpy appearance that resembles the hunks of phlegm that I - as a heavy smoker - cough up each morning in the bathroom sink. No thanks. I'll stick with McDonalds.

I can't stand DIAL-UP. My computer is s l o w. Slower than a European art-film. Slower than Michael Cullen agreeing to tax cuts. It takes an infinity to browse a single site, much less opening multiple tabs in Firefox. Usually I while away those waiting moments by grooming my moggy or giving self a manicure. The downside is countless hours wasted as webpages take forever to load. The upside is both the cat and my nails now look sensational.

I've never understood CRICKET. Neither the rules, nor the excitement it engenders in fans. I don't even consider it a 'sport' as much time is spent motionless. Take one-dayers, for example. If you're at the bottom of the batting order, chances are you won't even get a chance to swing. Half the game finds you sitting on your butt. Then it's possible you'll spend the fielding spell, completely stationary in some far-flung distant spot where no one will ever hit the ball. So half the game you're seated, the other half you stand immobile. Can you honestly call all that inactivity "sport"; a word denoting brusque movement and athleticism? Thus it's ironic that Stephen Fleming should advertise deodorant given he plays a game where one doesn't even work up a sweat.

Oh, I can just imagine all those Labour-voting, oyster-slurping, cricket-watching, Michael fans on their dial-up connections, seething with hostility as they curse and cuss and swear at me. Good. Since it's International Hate Speech Day, their response is entirely fitting.


Mrs Smith said...

You are wrong about oysters (I look forward to the first day of oyster season every year, mmmm), but quite right about Michael. He needs a kicking.

P.S. Dial-up. Ewwww. What pre-medievel hamlet are you living in?

Phil said...

Thank you, Mrs Smith, for affirming my thoughts about Michael. I'm glad you are on the good guys' side in the battle between righteousness and evil.

And oh, you're so lucky to be able to buy oysters, Mrs Smith. I really do envy the wealthy. It's a luxury someone of my humble means could never afford.

As for broadband? Yes, I use dial-up -- but through no fault of my own. You see, I'm tangata whenua, and thus economically dispossessed because of historical forces that conspired against me.
(It's true! And if you don't believe me you can ask Tariana Turia).

I was hoping that some rich, idle philanthropist (possibly Auckland-based - hint, hint) would be moved by my pitiful plight and offer to finance my internet bill.
Alas, I'm much too poor to afford a computer, much less an internet connection. So every time I want to blog, I have to break in to someone's house to use their computer. And it's just my luck that every house I burgle uses dial-up.

I admit, it's all rather illegal and certainly ethically dubious. But if you would only forgo your oyster treats and donate the money to me instead, I wouldn't need to illegally enter people's houses to access the web...

[sigh!!] what can a poor boy do...?

Mrs Smith said...

Dear Phil,
I was moved by your plight - actually I was fearful that you might decide to plunder MY house for its bountiful broadband, and buckets of oysters. But then I noticed you live in Wellington, so I don't care.
However, I really like your blog, so keep up the good work with the breaking and entering. I hope you don't get caught (although, there is internet in the Big House, I think).
Mrs Smith

Mrs Smith said...

P.S. next series of Lost not until February! And only 16 episodes! Fark.

Phil said...

Yes, Mrs Smith, I believe series 4 debuts in NZ on Feb 2. I'm still in shock over season 3's finale. Charlie dying? WTF? Locke killing Naomi? WTF?
I'm a hopeless psychic, but my predictions for season 4.

The Jack-Kate-Sawyer love triangle seems resolved for now: Sawyer & Kate, Jack & Juliet. But since no couple ever lives happily ever after in soaps or dramas, we can expect a break-up, an affair, or a pregnancy. My guess is a Sawyer & Juliet affair. Mainly coz Sawyer is a slut and has had the most 'action' so far. There was a scene with Sawyer & Juliet walking through the jungle, and boy-oh-boy, the sparks between them! The chemistry was so hot it nearly melted my TV screen. They were flirting BIG TIME! I know this because I can spot flirtiness a mile a way since I have enormous experience flirting ( notice I didn't say "successful flirting"). But anyway, if there's to be an illicit amorous liaison, my money's on James & Juliet

Other things we can expect.

* The arrival of Naomi's boat means the introduction of new characters. Most or all of them will be drop-dead gorgeous.
* One them will be a new 'love interest' for Jack. That's the pattern so far: series 1 - Kate; series 2 - Ana Lucia; series 3 - Juliet.
* Jack & Locke will argue.
* We'll see Kate in a bikini or stepping out of the shower.
* Locke will blow something up.
* Jack will cry.
* Hurley will say "dude."
* Jack will yell.
* Sun will deceive her husband.
* Jack will mope about his ex-wife and cry again.
* Sawyer will give people sarcastic nick names.
* Jack will stress out remembering his dead dad and cry and yell some more.
* Ben will plot (and succeed) at having someone killed.
* Sawyer, Jin, Sayid and Jack will at some stage appear topless. Jack may also cry and/or yell while topless.