Sunday, December 30, 2007

legal lunacy

"Objection!" ...and other phrases I learned watching American law shows
What do I need to do to get sued around here? In this litigous age of internet libel, you'd think my many posts - laden with insults, abuse & slander - would provoke at least one thin-skinned, vindictive, rich dude(tte) to haul me up for defamation. Yet my efforts have come to nought; not a single writ nor affidavit graces my mailbox. Guess I must try harder.

Oh, and I hate to sound fussy, but I don't accept law suits from riff-raff. If I'm to defend myself, I insist it be against a wealthy litigant. I may be a low-down, low-class, low-life - but I do have taste. So unless you're absolutely loaded, forget about legal action, I won't show up. Whatcha gonna do? Sue me? Like supermodels who don't get out of bed for less than $10K, I'll not bother unless the plaintiff arrives in the latest model BMW (at least) and decked out in Armani.

Thus I seek a rich adversary. Who's an ideal candidate? Annette Presley? She's got the dosh, plus an internet business, so surely she knows about search engines and googles her name ? She's bound to find this post, take utmost offence, and unleash a legion of lawyers. Well, Ms Presley, if you wanna fight, then Bring It On. You may be rich and successful, but you're still - in my opinion - a wee bit on the chubby side. (Not really. And by Maori/Polynesian standards, she's anorexic. But women are sensitive about their figures, and get riled with those 'heavy' insinuations. Besides, she'll never sue me unless I upset her, right?)

Furthermore, she's the least prettiest panel member on Dragon's Den (except for Bob Jones.) Oh cripes, now he'll come after me, too. With crap-loads of money, he'll sue my cheeky arse, for sure. Which is sad, coz I like Bob - self-made man and iconic NZ business figure - it's a shame to be sued by someone you admire. He'll win in court, no doubt. But a warning: I'm broke, so if he's expecting costs awarded, he'd better join the queue and wait his while. Really, Sir Bob, it's senseless suing broke folk. I thought you had financial savvy. Surely you didn't become a property magnate by making such poor business decisions?

So here goes, I'm about to have the (Warehouse-bought) pants sued off me by two very rich business people. A modern day David/Goliath struggle. I don't have the law (or money) on my side, but I'm counting on our campaign journalists to cheer for the under-dog. I can see the front pages already: "Heartless Moguls Sue Cash-strapped Blogger"

Hailed a champion of the downtrodden against ruthless greedy business interests, I'll be lionised as a media-martyr! Until the editors discover the scathing bile I've written about journalists. In that case headlines will read: "Ha ha ha! Cheeky Bugger Gets His Comeuppance."
And public sympathy will turn. "Dumb bloody Maori," they'll mutter, "That'll teach him! The idiot is the architect of his own demise."

Oh well, whether people's hero or public pariah, I must prepare for court and need a lawyer. A real problem as I despise the legal fraternity nearly as much as journalists. Never will I line the pockets of sleaze-bag solicitors. And so begins the search for a pro bono lawyer. Hey, all you dirt-bag, scum-bucket barristers out there? Wanna represent me for free? Why not, you retards? Why don't you like me? Mongrels the lot of you! (Geesh, and they wonder why people hate lawyers)

Bugger it! If I can't get a freebie solicitor, I'll do the job myself and act as own counsel. Sure, I'm ignorant about New Zealand statutory law, but I do know my rights. I've seen those TV court dramas, like LA Law and Chicago Law and Boston Law. My iron-clad defence is this: I'm not guily of defamation. I can say what I like - my constitutional right to free speech is protected by the First Amendment. So there!

(And people say Maoris are dumb. I'll show them!)

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