Thursday, January 24, 2008

Hate in '08

There's a meme circulating, Eight in '08, where bloggers list their 8 wishes or aspirations for the year 2008. No one tagged me, so naturally I'm quite aggrieved. Thus I'm going to spoil everyone's happy mood, pervert the meme's good intention, and spread misery and ill-will where I can. That'll teach ya! I'm gonna do a hate-meme.

Know what I hate? Poms! They're bad enough in their homeland where we can ignore them by not watching the BBC. But the buggers keep washing up on our shores in droves. Well, here's a few English phrases for you recent arrivals: "Airport," "Repatriation," and "Go home!"

Bloody poms hate Maoris (how quickly they become assimilated into general NZ culture). They label us "savages" and "cannibals" and "animals." They say it like it's a bad thing. Worst are those pompous poms who denigrate the noble and beautiful art of haka. Cheeky rats call it 'vicious' and 'barbaric.' Vicious? Barbaric? I'll give you 'barbaric', you bunch of poncey gay Morris dancers.

Now, do I look like the type of Maori boy to forgive such unpardonable insults from a pack of pasty-faced, sour-looking slimey-limeys? I Don't Think So. Therefore, I present my "h8 in '08"

Eight Reasons to Loathe and Nuke the Poms

(1) Coz they're whinging bloody poms, always complaining about everything and anything. Let's nuke 'em; that'll give them something to moan about.

(2) The Spice Girls. Dreadfully untalented. The fusty five - Silly, Surly, Dippy, Dopey & Puke - mark the nadir of world culture. "I tell you what I want, what I really really want." I want them to go away. Or start performing for the deaf, in sign language, so nobody has to hear them.

(3) Bad teeth. Is there no word "orthodontics" in English? Apparently not. No wonder the Americans, with their dazzling Hollywood smiles, went to war declaring independence from the Motherland's dingy dentistry. Do terrible teeth result from the continual maw-smashing of soccer hooliganism? Or is it stomach acid from repeated drunken public vomiting which deforms and distorts one's fangs? Maybe that's why poms always look so miserable; they never smile to hide their unsightly chops. Thank goodness.

(4) Homely TV characters. Our good buddies, the Americans, invented TV so we could savour hotties and totties and babes onscreen. Immediately the Poms debase and corrupt everything by inflicting Coronation Street, Eastenders, et al on the world. Have you ever seen such hideously ugly people? Help, I'm blind! I'm visually traumatised! These aesthetic crimes against humanity should not go unpunished.

(5) Speaking of which, have you heard the expression "British Bulldogs"? Although it's an apt and accurate physical description of their womenfolk, I find it rather degrading and chauvinist. Are we going to tolerate that sort of sexism, ladies? Hell no. Bombs away!

(6) The actress, Kate Winslett, is an exception. She's beautiful and sexy and talented. But did you see her in The Titanic? While the ship's sinking and everyone's freaking out, dizzy Kate spends the entire movie dithering over which of two blokes to hook up with. Daft thing! As any Maori or White-trash girl would know: you bonk them both them and keep the one who's the best shag. Sorry Kate, but stupid girls shouldn't breed. It lowers the world's collective IQ.

(7) Gordon F-ing Ramsey. Have you heard that prat's disgusting language? Whatever happened to nice cheery cooks like Julia Child? Gordon's foul mouth is enough to kill the appetites of even the hungriest diners. If anyone needed an excuse to invade, attack, nuke & pillage another nation; it's Ramsey. Sorry, but there's no place in the civilised world for that type of speech. Sure, other countries might indulge in pointless warfare, carnage, slaughter and massacres, but there's no excuse for bad language.

(8) Soccer. They invented the most boring sport in history which subsequently became a global virus. Ever watched those numbskulls struggle to control the ball with their feet alone. Pick the damn thing up, you Neanderthals! Why do you think the Good Lord gave you hands? That they haven't clicked on to this most glaring anatomical fact proves they're evolutionary throwbacks. Dumb species deserve to die out. Even Darwin (a pom) could've told them that.


Lindsay Mitchell said...

"Bad teeth" I ruminate, running my tongue over my English-born choppers. Of course, you Maori have beautiful teeth...until they fall out...

Agree on 7. That was a macabre business watching his sheep being shocked and slaughtered last night. Was that his wife he dragged in with him? She didn't look like a particularly willing witness. I'm surprised he didn't have his kids lined up as well. Perhaps she agreed to go as proxy. He's so weird.

Phil said...

Hee hee. I have the worst of both worlds with mum hailing from Tikitiki, and dad from Gloucestershire. My (remaining) teeth are shocking - I have a smile that can scare a ghost, which is fine for the haka, not so good for Morris dancing.

Luckily, on the internet no one can tell that I'm a tall, blond, muscular, 18 year old Macleans Toothpaste model ;-)

Anonymous said...

I might do this meme next week - good idea Phil.

Phil said...

Yikes, Ruth, I hope I haven't started an anti-Pom movement in NZ. Oops - too late! :-) We might become a Republic sooner than anticipated ;-)

I was originally gonna do an "8 reasons to hate Ozzies" instead - but with the news about Heath Ledger (RIP), I thought it a wee bit insensitive. Then I was gonna do an "8 reasons to hate Maoris" but I didn't want people to mistake me for a National Party supporter ;-) Or worse, a Libertarianz member :-(
So the Poms were next on the list.

Deadman said...

I Googled "Haka" and just watched it on a site. I rather like it. This was a great post.

Anonymous said...

(rofling) OK, I'm a fan. More some other time.
(I'm not your stalker, btw. Just a bit busy at the moment and got distracted by your blog during a search. )