Sunday, December 18, 2005

prizegiving

everyone else is doin' it, done it, or about to...
so being a good kiwi sheep, I'll follow the herd

The Really Important Awards 2005

POLITICS

Massive Dude: Rodney Hide. Defied best efforts of mainstream media, the dodgy polls & Nat's hostile overtures to clinch Epsom & helped tilt MMP equation to the right. Showed incredible faith, indefatigable stamina, & indomitable optimism in tight election. Campaigned good old-fashioned way, meeting & greeting constituents in handshake frenzy of final week. Survived to annoy, horrify & intensely frustrate legions of lefties, unionists, educationalists & other freaks for another 3 years.

Awesome Chick: Tariana Turia. Said TMP could work with "any party" [translation: "Nats & Act], introduced radical notion of 'tax-cuts' & other iconic neocon-isms to Nga Iwi (didn't eschew traditional socialist welfarism, but hey, it's a start), worked on shoestring budget to take Four Seats off the Witch (teehee), the only Maori 'Labour' poli courageous enough to defy her.

The Alamein Koopu Award: Georgie Beyer. Times up, love. Go home. You'll always have the memories of your stunning performance during passing of Prostitution & Civil Union Bills. Stick with the ballroom dancing.

The Monica Lewinsky Award: Deborah Coddington. You shoulda just told that sleazy rich dude to #$%@* off while still at the pub! That's what a Maori chick woulda done. Or a white trash one. Gee, you wealthy folk have strange customs.

MEDIA

John Armstrong Award
: (For outstanding parliamentary commentary). Tracy Watkins - the only reason you'd be silly enough to buy the DomPost. If There$a Gattung doe$n't wanna marry me, and Britney Spears says "no!" - then she'll have to do.

Colin James Award: (For upsetting both sides of political spectrum). Audrey Young. Lefties call her a "paleocon" - the right think she's a commie. Normal people must reckon she's OK, I guess.

Most Improved Player
: Colin Espiner. Really establishing his voice.
Lively but informative. Mercifully free of the sneering sarcasm that passes for wit these days amongst (younger) print journos.

Most Overhyped MSM "scandal"
: Bretheren-gate. Any old thing to smear the Nats & help Labour's election campaign. 90% of kiwi journalists deserve the Black Plague.

BEAUTY

Most Pulchritudinous TV Couple: The pair who front 'Headliners' - dunno their names. Shame they're going. The ONLY 2 talking heads who could utter our fantastic President Bush's name without squirming. A tragedy the ONLY politically unbiased news we show on our screens is for kids.

Spunkiest Chick in the World: Angeline Jolie. Can't go to movies coz I'm boycotting (anti-Bush) Hollywood, but am grateful to our wonderful Women's magazines & the Internet & God for this breathtaking vision of pure loveliness. So if Tracy Watkins doesn't want me, I'll have to settle for Angeline. That's OK - I like Americans.

Handsomest Fullah: Appropriately named Matthew Fox. If reincarnation is true, and I look like that in the next life, I'll be truly contented & happy - just me & my mirror.

2 comments:

Ed said...

I can't help but think it's Rodders fault that Act got hit so hard in the last election so I don't see why he deserves any praise at all. If I borrowed my Mother's car and lit it on fire, then put the fire out before it exploded d'you think she'd be happy with me because I didn't totally destroy it ?

phil said...

Sorry, my friend. Judge's decision is final, no correspondence will be entered into & it'd be terribly rude to ask for the award back now that I've already handed them out. (unless you wanna get Winny's lawyer to challenge decision in court).

Or perhaps a small compromise. For a wee, small fee... say, $5ooo, I can have Rodney's prize revoked and awarded to Don, John, Bill, Gerry or any Nat you like - Hey, you're paying for it ;-)

I'm emailing bank details immediately...

yours opportunistically
Phil
(Small Maori Business Development Student, Te Wananga o Aotearoa).