Thursday, June 14, 2007

Still more TV fluff

LOST that loving feeling
I've never before grown to hate a formerly-cherished show as quickly as I have LOST. This season has been an irredeemable disaster replete with bad writing, wretched exposition, absymal dialogue and pathetic plotlines. A major disappointment has been the revelation of The Others. Previously (on Lost) they were scary, menacing presences. Stealthy and stalking, ever-threatening bloodshed and barbarity. Series 3 shows that they're really just your average run-of-the-mill, middle-class, muffin-baking, book club-attending inhabitants on a mysterious island. How bourgeoise!

And the dropped storylines! Remember the hatch? So integral to the first two seasons, it seemed to hold such heady promise and meaning. So they blew it up in the series 2 finale and now... the Hatch? What hatch? Never mind, time to move along to the next plot contrivance. This show has become very dark indeed, marked by unnecessary violence, sadism & bloodshed. In lieu of story arcs, we now have cruelty and murder. Character interaction and development? Let's just beat up, torture, or kill someone instead. Worse still, is the growing cast of absolutely abhorrent actors. My leading list of unlikeable cretins include:

* Juliet
Jack's new girlfriend and alpha-female has dethroned Kate as Queen of the Island, but she's nowhere as pretty. Supposedly a complex, multi-layered character, she comes across as just plain schizo. A timid mousey housewife cum brilliant research scientist who's also an expert in weaponary and unarmed combat. One minute, a dastardly manipulator, next a helpless victim of malevolent conspirators. A kindly, sympathetic fertility doctor... who helps kidnap and experiment on pregnant women. Mostly her annoying smirk, soft fey voice, botoxed forehead and expressionless prozac stare all bore me silly. Blecch!

* Jerk... I mean, Jack. A fully fledged fat-head! Secretive, deceitful and condescending, he's schmoozing with the enemy who recently abducted, tortured and near murdered his trusted companions. Even his one redeeming feature - a pretty face - is ruined by persistent 5-day old stubble. Get that man a razor! Somewhere on a remote island equipped with electricity, ping pong tables, computers, assault rifles and submarines, there must be a spare gillette blade lying about. If unskilled boys like me can shave daily, then surely it's not beyond a spinal surgeon to whisk a blade across his dote every once in a while. Not that the pompous prat would care; arrogant, egotistical and whiney, the guy's a total prick.

* And speaking of sharp pointy objects, someone desperately needing his voodoo doll jabbed is Desmond. For me, it was hate at first sight, from which I've never relented. I loathe him with a passion usually reserved for journalists. This army-deserting, bride-abandoning failed alcoholic monk is a loser with an annoying accent and vernacular (Brotha!) Only the most imbecilic psychic of doom would leave a filthy rich fiancee - what an idiot! And let's face it; the boy is fug! His homely rat-face completely out of place among the other Hollywood hotties. If we wanted to watch ugly Brits, we'd be Coronation Street fans. Ughh!

* But if there's one dude who's loathsome beyond measure, it's Ben. My dilemma: one gun, one bullet - who do I shoot? Helen Clark or Ben? Oh, the indecision! May as well shoot myself and be done with it. I despise that bug-eyed mass-murdering weasle with the venom of a thousand cobras. Please, please, die! This may sound terribly un-Christian, but I hope he endures a long horrible agonising death. (Mind you, Jesus' crucifixation was long, horrible and agonising -- so maybe it's not so un-Christian after all).

But most disturbing of all is the gratuitous death toll, especially the women. Now, I'm the last person you'd call a "feminist," but the show's misogynist bodycount has been frightening! Shannon, Ana Lucia, Libby, Colleen & Miss Clue - all casualties of gunshot wounds. At least Nikki was 'fortunate' to suffer an original death and be buried alive, paralysed by poisonous spiders. Such a terrible shame and a waste. I'm now too scared to lust after a gorgeous gal lest she croaks on me. Thus my plea to the show's writers: cease killing off beautiful women! If a female character must die, let it be a Plain Jane or a Frumpy Freda. Stop these femme fatales from becoming femme fatalities. They're much too pretty to die.

Hmm, well fancy that! Who'd have thought? Me! A champion of women. Maybe deep down I am a feminist after all.


Jimmy Jangles said...

I gotta say dude I am freaking lovign lost at the mo... the darkness of it is still menacing enuff for me to watch... ben's evilness is just so much fun...still noidea wtf is going on...

Phil said...

JJ - Yeah, it's still must-view TV on Wednesdays, and I'll be watching til the bitter end. But somethings are bugging the crap out of me:

* The gratuitous beatings and death. I like Sawyer, so it was painful to watch him constantly get beat up and tortured in the early episodes. Sayid is my fave character, so I cheered when he got his flashback, only to watch him be tortured throughout. Last week was a good example of unnecessary violence. Eye-patch guy asks Locke a reasonable question, so Locke beats the crap out of him. Say, wha'? The we see Ben - who has the Mother of all Daddy Issues - kill his old man coz he forgot this birthday, then commits a Jonestown-type massacre. Then he shoots Locke for good measure. Strewth!

* The Ugly surroundings. Series one was set on a beautiful beach, in pristine forest surrounds, or in the moody ambient caves.
Series two and we get cabin fever stuck in the gaudy coloured hatch (dirty-pink, looks like undercoat - yuck!).
Series three begins and the Losties are trapped in dank dark cells, dirty animal cages, or hang out in plain non-descript barracks.
Bring back the pretty, I say! If we're going to watch people living in fear, getting mauled by Polar Bears, abducted by evil-doers, or harassed by a smoke monster, at least let it be against a lush, gorgeous, picturesque landscape.

* The character assassinations.
Early Kate was strong, resourceful, independent and self-assured. Now she's reduced to a blubbering hormonal teenager who's torn between bonking Sawyer but still has feelings for Jerk. (Btw, I love it that 'James' and 'Freckles' are now an item).
Early Sawyer was a ruthless, bad-ass con man. Now he fluctuates between cunning selfish trickster, and naive altruistic dupe. In one shot we saw him reading Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead." Maybe that's why his brain's turned to mush.
Jerk: Hard to believe at one time I thought he was cool. He's always been mean to Locke, but lately he's been snapping at everyone, including Kate. Did you see when Sawyer sprung Juliet with the tape recorder? Instead of being guilty and contrite, he demands: "Where did you get that?" What a self-important git! To think he knew about Ben & Juliet's plan to kidnap the women, and he didn't warn any of them. My Jack-hate is terminal. I live in hope he gets eaten by the Dharma shark or smacked over by Smokey the monster.
Charlie was an affable chap, a reformed junky and loving foster dad to Aaron. Then he started kidnapping babies (and Sun) and now just whines a lot.
Locke's always been a strange cat. A Tarzan-mystic turned obsessive button-pusher, now he just blows things up, tells lies and tricks people.

* The sucky newcomers have so much screen time while the original castaways have been pushed to the periphery. Desmond & Juliet have had two flashbacks each this season, while Sawyer, Claire, Sayid & Hurley have had only one. Charlie hasn't even had one this series, and someone please file a missing person's report for Rose & Bernard.

I hate that Tom, who kidnapped Walt and sunk the raft that nearly drowned Michael, Jin & Sawyer, is now portrayed as a big ol' lovable teddy-bear who's all palsy-walsy with Jerk. The moral relativity is illogical and implausible.

Desmond makes my skin crawl. The creep was gonna sacrifice Charlie just so he could be reunited with his beau that he was stupid enough to leave in the first place.

And Juliet: What to make of her. It's like, first of all we go: Boo! She's keeping the losties prisoner. Then yay! She's making friends with Jerk. Then boo! She's holding a gun at Kate's head. Then yay! She's plotting to kill Ben. Then aww! Her mean husband gets hit by a bus. Then boo! She's working with Ben to capture the losties. Then yay! She's helping with Sun's pregnancy. Then boo! She's sneaky and planning to kidnap other women...
Is she good or bad? I hate the ambiguity. Good guys wear big white hats and have nice teeth, bad guys have shifty beady eyes, and twirl their moustaches with villainous intent. C'mon show's writers, make up your mind. I prefer her better evil. When she's nice, her cooing kindergarten-teacher voice drives me nuts.

But you're right about Ben who is Totally Evil and sooo needs to die. The show will redeem itself if he gets bumped off in the slowest, most excruciating way possible. Then I'll be happy and throw lollies in the streets for children, build orphanages and shelters for the homeless, and devote my life to noble humanitarian causes and ending poverty in Africa.

But until then... arrrggghhh!!!

Jimmy Jangles said...

jeez u got it bad dude. suggest you put that above rant into a full on post cosits quite good. word.