Tuesday, January 29, 2008


I'm bicultural and straddle two worlds. As a result, I'm bilingual. It's true! I can speak lefty. Want proof?
"Smash capitalism!"
Not bad, eh? Still not convinced? Ok then, how about this:
"Down with the Amerikkkan industrial-military complex."
Pretty fluent, huh? Impressed? Well how 'bout this then:
"Dismantle the dominant patriarchal heteronormative hegemony."
Oh, I'm just showing off now. My remarkable linguistic skills were acquired perusing left-wing blogs. What colourful, vibrant, impassioned language! It's so enticing that I've been seduced by its rhetorical flamboyance. So much so that I'm renouncing my stuck-in-the-mud conservatism and will embrace the politics of the left. Forget those dour right-wingers mired in boring stuff like economics, business and finance. We enlightened progressives do fun things like mobilise, activate, agitate and educate.

Such is my enthusiasm, I'm committing the ultimate act of leftism: I'm going to start a revolution - right here on my blog. If the pen is mightier than the sword, then my computer, with its fantastic array of fonts & formatting options, must yield enormous power indeed. I've appointed myself leader of the revolution, because... well, no one else put their hand up. And the revolution was my idea, let's not forget. Plus it demonstrates my initiative and vision. That's what leadership is all about.

Mind you, it's not all fame and glory being a figurehead. I've things to organise like fund raising. Revolutions don't come cheap, you know: megaphones, pamphlets, posters and placards all incur costs. With that in mind... I was hoping a few of you crusty, old, right-wing reactionaries out there could spare us a few bucks. Otherwise how can we afford to demolish your sexist, racist, imperialist system? And we'll need cash to rebuild the infrastructure after the streets are reduced to rubble by rioting mobs. Surely you business folk appreciate that we can't build an equitable utopia in the smoking ruins of protest and anarchy. You right wingers aren't that naive, are you? (no wonder you need us lefties to educate you.)

But let's not be bogged down by materialist woes, or else we're no better than those 'capitalist pig dogs' (excuse my lefty language) whom we so stridently oppose. Our goals are far too important! We must end exploitation by ushering in a just society where ALL are EQUAL, and no one is richer or prettier or slimmer than anyone else.

So unite, comrades! Arise! Let's storm citadels, subvert paradigms, and overthrow establishments! My fellow freedom-fighters: you have my staunchest commitment that I, Phil, fearless, tireless and indomitable battler for justice will brook no opposition, nor obstacles nor hardship in our unwavering crusade for liberty. The Revolution begins now!!

...or maybe tomorrow since it's a bit cold at the moment and I think it might start raining soon. So a slight change of plans: The Revolution starts tomorrow! Oh, wait... no can do! Tomorrow there's a good movie on channel 2. Hang on, I'll just consult my diary. Umm, let's see... Friday night is happy hour; Saturday, I'll be too hungover; I've a Sunday hair appoinment and tap-dancing lessons on Monday. But I'm free the day after.

So we'll make it next Tuesday then. Agreed?
Good. So it's settled then. The Revolution begins on Tuesday (weather permitting).
See y'all at the rally!


peteremcc said...

Aw, you fail...

It's the "military-industrial complex" not the "industrial-military complex".

Every good left-winger knows that!

Deadman said...

You forgot about "Dismantle the illegitimate Zionist state.", one of my all-time favorites.

Will there be pot brownies after the march?

Lindsay Mitchell said...

Sorry, can't do next Tuesday. Coro St.

Phil said...

Comrade Peter: True. But lefty isn't my native language, so I do still speak with a right-wing accent. And as any humanities professor will tell you, language itself encodes and perpetuates the values and norms of the dominant power structure. Thus, my sabotaging of the oppressor's language is itself a revolutionary act designed to reclaim power for marginalised groups, and reorder society along more equitable lines.

Comrade Mark: There will indeed be hash brownies - organically grown, of course. But may I suggest we rename them "pot cookies" because the term "brownies" has racial connotations which may upset the incredibly delicate sensitivities of thin-skinned dusky ethnicities. And being a good lefty, I would never do that to oppressed minorities.

Comrade Lindsay: I understand your predicament. Yet I feel it's important for all to engage in The Struggle (it's for the children). Perhaps you could wave an anti-globalisation flag outside you lounge window during the ads?

Yours in solidarity,
Comrade Phil.