Sunday, February 03, 2008

Top Chef returns

Not much to say, really. So, when in doubt, blog about television. I think I've found my couch-potato soul-mate. TV critic Jane Bowron picks Top Chef, Project Runway and Tim Gunn's Guide to Style as the best reality shows. Ditto all that! Ahh, a gal after my own channel-surfing heart! If she had included America's Next Top Model on her list, I'd demand DNA tests to prove we're not twins separated at birth.

Let's all applaud the new series of Top Chef. Welcome back judges!
Tom Collichio: Mr Custard. Velvety, smooth and creamy. Very more-ish. A fine addition to any menu.
Padma Lakshmi: Ms Treacle. Posesses an air hostess' non-stop hi-beam smile. Sweet enough to give a sugar-cube diabetes.
Gail Simmons: Ms Vinegar. Tart and acidic. Cookies crumble, souffles fall flat, and cakes dare not rise in her presence.

I'm starting to confuse this show with America's Next Top Model, such is this season's smorgasbord of gorgeous women chefs. I know, I do sound rather pervy. But I'm rationalising it as refining my artistic appreciation of all things beautiful (when really I'm just accelerating downhill into dirty old manhood.) Still, what a lot of fine dishes! Check out that Micah! Hoo-dang! She's so delicious and tasty and lip-smacking... and all those other cheesy food puns. Mouth-watering indeed!

And the others? Hard to profile personalities yet as there's only been one episode so far. But some first impressions:

The Blonde Guy: Very bland. Extremely forgettable. What's his name again?
The Mohawk Guy: Terrible haircut. About as memorable as the blonde guy, but with worse taste in grooming.
Hung: Every time he opens his mouth, I'm choking on tears. Cracks me up like a pepper mill.
Tre: Another super intense competitor who Just Wants To Win. Oh hello, Mr reality-TV cliche. Although, to be fair, he did win this week's challenge so he can obviously cut the mustard.
Howie: Sook! Someone force feed him comfort food! Or whip up a batch of valium scones and prozac biscuits for the big depressive crybaby.
CJ: Pleasant enough, but unless you plan on winning six consecutive Tours de France, I really don't want to hear about your missing testicle. Not while I'm eating anyway.
Joey: Insta-hate: just add water. Actually, don't even bother with the water. Obnoxious, ugly and fat (sounds just like yours truly). Waiter! I didn't order this crap!
Clay: Aww, I really liked him. But mah sweet lil' ol' Southern boy was first on the chopping block.

And so concludes the premiere. Altogether, a very appetising first episode. We hungrily await the next course.

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