curtains

Farewell, Tana!
End of an era with Captain Umaga stepping down as All Black skipper after illustrious international career spanning 74 tests. Parochial footy fans in NZ's most esteemed city need not yet fret; the sensational centre spurns lucrative English club offers, pledging to remain Captain Hurricane for the forseeable future. Our most winsome wishes for Wainui's wonderboy!

lavender ladies
Less lauded are lip-locking lesbians told to pucker off after Sapphic scenario displayed on test cricket screen. Unsurprisingly, deviant MP Chris Carter -- eager to foist same-sex scurrility on TV, schoolkids and (now) sports stadiums -- indignantly misses the point:

this is a human rights issue. If there's no kissing allowed at all, then fair enough. But if opposite-sex couples can kiss, then... same-sex couples should be allowed to as well

Methinks it's a property rights issue; stadium managers can evict whomever they like. I wish, along with streakers, flashers & other rag-tag exhibitionists, they'd spare our youngsters & family-minded fans by practising perversions in private.

fighting fatties
Dad's Army weighs up hefty issue of enlisting super-sized soldiers, augmenting entry criteria for prospective recruits previously bogged down by limits mandated by Body Mass Index measurements. The change acknowledges:

"the fact that the BMI is not a perfect science... BMI is calculated by squaring your height in metres & then dividing your weight in kilograms by the result"

The BMI system does not account for strength, stamina, heart rates or recovery periods - standard guides for assessing true fitness. It also penalises more squat figures at the expense of lankiness & by unduly empahasising weight, disregards mass difference between bone, muscle & fat. Good on the Poms for exercising pragmatism over pat, arbitrary and (un)scientific formulae.

besides, size isn't everything...
(regardless of what women say) as proved by Mt Wellington firm, Rakon, who've developed new miniaturised GPS receivers the size of a baby's thumbnail. The market for mobiles incorporating the technology is expected to swell to 2 billion within 15 years. It's hoped that soon:

all cellphones could have GPS chips embedded in them.. [that] can locate the user to within metres - useful for emergency services finding an injured person or for information such as directions...

The Auckland company already manufactures crystals & oscillating components used in majority of world's GPS devices - including (one assumes) American bombs used in the War on Terror. Let's hope no one transmits this message to Aucklander, Keith Locke, via his mobile...