hen pecked

indigestible...
Look out young fat kiwi pie-eating b*stards, Schoolyard Bullies coming to steal your lunchbox. Anti-obesity campaigner & nagging wench, Robin Toomath (with direct lines to both Pete Hodsgon & DomPost editor, it seems) to confiscate your kids' calories and force War on Obesity down our throats. Good news is some schools won't stomach such intimidation and are biting back at pushy fat-busters. Chew on that, Suckers!

we're begging you to take her!
Rumours persist about Helen Cluck succeeding Kofi as next Cheeky Dykie in top UN role. Kofi's ex-squeeze, Sue Kedgley, ovulates at thought of our first elected Lesbian Prime Minister getting the nod. OTOH, I hope the Yanks veto, just to annoy her coz I'm a spiteful bugger, but otherwise, I'd be glad to get rid of her and it'd be nice to give the whole world the opportunity to hate her as well.

what's in a name?
Provocatively named drink "Fighting Cock" raises ire of lesbian pacifists & worrywort Healthwatch group. Unconcerned about damage to youngsters directly attributed to alcohol itself, they're more alarmed the drink's name may promote aggressive poultry & illegal behaviour. Advertising Standards Authority, in brief lapse into common sense, tells complainant to get a life. What aggrieved times we must live in. Nothing's too minor, frivolous or petty to become worked up over. Health watchdogs should pour themselves a stiff drink and chill!

le coq sportif
Gallic fighting spirit reborn with French pensioner, infuriated at Du Champ for taking the p*ss out of modern art, attacking his strange & much overpraised urinal display voted most Influential Work of all time. Most bizarre is his rationale:

"Having just become a simple object for pissing after having been the most famous object in the history of art, its existence was broken, it was going to have a miserable existence. Better to put an end to it with a few blows from a hammer. Not at all the action of a vandal, more of a charitable act," he said

Is that what they mean by a "merci killing"? All I can say is, "Thank you, Monsieur!"
I agree. About time! What took you so long? As for Du Champs' so-called 'art'? Let's not talk crap - his work is excrement! Pull the chain & flush it!