it was bound to happen sooner or later

War on Objectivists

I -- a fundamentalist nutjob, mired in milleniums of superstitious ignorance -- have had enough. After 2000 years of incessant persecution, insults, taunts, and turning the other cheek, I'm rattlesnake mad & rearin' to kick butt! Having been grievously insulted on-line, one time too many, by those 'objectivists', y'know those horrible wind-up plastic dolls; pull the string and out comes a Rand quote. Yeah, them. I'm sick of them dissin' & cussin' my God and showin' no respek! And so, taking a cue from crazed mobs of islamic rioters everywhere.

I HEREBY OFFICIALLY DECLARE HOLY WAR ON LIBERTARIANS

[sorry to 'shout', but you can't declare war in a weak-kneed, equivocating, girly Chris Trotter voice (all woozey sighs & effeminate simpers). One must ROAR with thunder & alacrity. It's war! Not just "war" but "God's War!" It's serious biz.]

Or does that sound a bit too pugnacious? A smidgen agressive? Likely to scare people away? Let's tone it down then. How about:

"Libertarians are cordially invited to join epic conflagration between good & evil for all eternity. Bring a plate"

[NB: No one's FORCING you to bring a plate. And it's a voluntary war: no conscription. So please, none of your terminal droning on about compulsion.]

Or maybe just short & sweet:

"Jihad: all libs welcome. Venue: all of Creation"

Better? Hey, help me out here, it's my first fatwah, I'm worried it'll be a total flop. What if I declared war and nobody came? You can't just 'demand' libs show up for jihad; they might ignore us - they hate being ordered around. Worse, imagine declaring war anticipating a furious retaliatory response, & instead the opposition just laugh at you. How humiliating! Talk about look foolish.

The only way I can engage the objectivists is to beat them at their own game. Through debate, the domain of reason and philosophy. Here goes:

* My God's bigger than your God. You haven't got one, so mine must be bigger.
Thwap! Take that, logic-boy! Fundies 1 - Libs 0

* Do you disagree? If so, why are you arguing with me, thus engaging in a 'spiritual war' if you don't believe in all that stuff, huh?
Pow! Shove that in your atheist pipe and smoke it! Fundies 2 - Libs 0

* Last night, in an unusual Mormon post-mortem ceremony, I baptised Ayn Rand. She's now safe in heaven. What's that, you say? She's an atheist?
:-o Whoopsie! Goodness me, what have I done? Now her soul will have to spend the ENTIRE afterlife forever and ever and ever and ever with all those religious fruit-loops. (Hope she doesn't mind)

So, if you libs want Ayn's soul back, you're gonna have to ask God for it. What's that? You don't believe in Him? Oh, dilemma, dilemma! Catch-22 time, libs. You have only two choices:

1: Do nothing and Ayn remains in heaven, tortured for all eternity, surrounded by fundy-nutcases, listening to happy-clappy songs. Or,
2: ADMIT that God exists (in order to negotiate her soul's release) and renounce your godless philosophy.

What's it gonna be libs? Should Ayn suffer forever just because YOU were too proud to admit you were WRONG?????????

Gotchya! Checkmate, libs! 3-nil, you just got served!