Monday, December 18, 2006

and the winner is...

Awards 2006

Most Loathesome TV Personality: Chris Trotter

As if it's not bad enough that radio, newspapers and internet slavishly broadcast this shameless lying Labour apologist's excretions, but could we please keep him off our TV screens. What a revolting TV persona: an epicene mincing queen. I keep expecting him to shriek and wave his hands about, like a big gay hairdresser. Does TVNZ really think this lisping, sighing, swishing tub of socialist lard, appeals to anyone outside Auckland's urban metrosexual demographic? No wonder their ratings are in the toilet.

TV Babe of the Year: Michelle Rodriguez
I'm sure her surname is Spanish for "hot & spicey." Man, she's yummy! Mmm, makes me want tacos for dinner. Absolutely mouth-watering as Ana Lucia on LOST. The TV guide lied by predicting a steamy romance betwen her and Jack (who's no slouch in the hottie department, either) that never eventuated. Was near inconsolable when they killed her character off. "Why?" I'd wail, "Why did they have to kill such a pretty character? Why not bump off an ugly one instead?" [Til I realised there are, of course, no ugly women on American TV.] Alas, we have nothing but our salivating memories (and DVDs).

TV Show of the Year: America's Next Top Model
Tyra Banks single-handedly consigns over 2000 years of dessicated philosophical exposition on aesthetics to history's rubbish tin. Forget the dry-balls like Kant, who never saw a supermodel in his life, heed Tyra's words instead (especially sage in our TV age): beauty is an eternal value, a rarefied sensibility, a state of divine consciousness.
"You're a model, ya gotta look pretty at all times!"
"It doesn't matter how you feel, it's what you look like that counts"
Glamour photography continues the tradition beginning in prehistory that we call "art"; the manufacture and veneration of images, invested with magic and mystique. Such 'idolatory' is more ancient than the religions that condemn it. Modelling itself, is a highly elaborate, austere theatre where performers, draped in ostentatious costumery and deprived of dialogue, must communicate through 'pose' alone. ANTM reaffirms that our world is mercilessly competitive, losers quickly forgotten - there can be only One Highlander Winner. As in life, only the pluckiest, most gifted, most resourceful (models) will endure.

The "Marry me, I'm single too" Award: Theresa Gattung
Oh, to snag a rich bird! Wouldn't life be languid and luxurious! Everyday, my darling would come home to find me snoozing, sprawled out on the couch. Then she'd gently ease the half-empty vodka bottle from my hand, and tuck me up in a nice snug blanket. Then she'd have lunch, and go back to work (or whatever it is she does everyday to earn us all that dosh). Why should she marry me? Coz I'm a catch! Let's be honest, throughout all history women have usually been the gold-diggers, with men burdened by the hassles of earning or inheriting wealth. So I'm a battler for equal rights. Sheesh, don't hate me coz I'm a feminist.

Politician of the Year: John Howard
Yeah, I know he's an Ozzy. But look at it this way, Australia's a nation of immigrants, so somewhere in his family tree are ancestors of non-Ocker origin. Think positively! Whether steamrolling over multi-culturalists, giving greenies the heebie-jeebies, or waging jihad against the cult of death, John Howard is:

1. A proud defender of his country & good sheriff of the South Pacific
2. A staunch ally of Western liberty
3. A dang hot sexy babe

Well... he's 1 & 2 anyway.

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