hey, Paddy - get O'ver yourself

Irish eyes definitely aren't smiling... in Dublin with publicans planning to ban Tana from entering establishments because of that O'Driscoll tackle during Lions Tour.
MEMO to Avenging Oirish-men: Move on, please!

Far better reception at Ramelton where our men in black honour Dave Gallaher, first AB captain. Very poignant.

"We hold him true and dear to our hearts not only because he led an All Black team here 100 years ago but because he gave the ultimate sacrifice..
"He gave his life defending our country.."

Thank you, Sir! We salute you!

Oops, she did it again.. Revered cultural super-icon, unabashed pres Bush supporter, and Most Purdy-est Woman in History, Britney Spears, is throwing out that putrid, HIDEOUS, loser jerk she married - thank goodness & about time. I'm in! I'm in!

They needed a judge to tell us this? More bad news for us hori blokes. Our young'ns are a Crime Bomb. (Dang! I wuz just startin' to feel good about my dahhrlin' Britney). Too depressing to dwell on [doing ostrich impression]. Btw, is this really news to anyone? (dopey leftists and cave-dwellers excluded)

They needed a study to tell us this? Our doctors are overworked and sleep deprived increasing likelihood of on-job 'performance errors'. Hope your surgeon doesn't fall asleep mid-op. Pray you never get sick. Keep that scalpel away, Snoozey!

All Gooey moment...
Adorable photo of Afghani boy in army fatigue & reminder of the good deeds of our PRT boys in Afghanistan. God bless 'em!

PC PCs?

Has our police constabulary become politically correct? Are PNHQ drinking the kool-aid from the fountain of multi-culturalism? Dep Commissioner, Steve Long, wants more Maori cops. Yes, I laughed too. Still, it's good to Know Thine Enemy (so to speak). Maoris have first-hand knowledge of life in the urban miasma with its regular cast of misfits: drunks, liars, thieves and bullies. M-cops have far deeper attunement to M psychology: values, motivations, ethics. In the war on crime, they're unsurpassed at 'intelligence gathering'.

SORE THUMB STAT: M comprise 67% of all criminals. Egads! Or Hika Ma! as the natives are wont to say. Barely 3 weeks ago they were telling us, "resolved crime" figures were a mere 44%. So are we committing 67% of the 44% of crimes resolved? Or 67% of some other (as yet uncalculated - possibly incalculable) figure? Enquiring Maoris want to know. One day, in a burst of frenetic nerdiness, I'm gonna crunch all those Justice Dept stats. Until then, my suspicio-meter remains ON (but happy to be proved wrong).

More dumbing down of Godzone with the unfortunate news of industrial scientists becoming redundant. More evidence of kiwi manufacturing decline? Further brain drain? Or were they brilliant scientists but hopeless business people? Sincerest hopes they can get jobs elsewhere... or else that knowledge-wave hui really was just another big gab-fest after all (but we suspected that already).

I hope it's John-the-Lefty...
Possibly the only thing Helen Clark & I agree on is that the host of Campbell Live is a "little creep." I'd be stoked to find he's the lecherous TV schmuck accused of 'improprieties' after drunken work bash at home. Mind you, any times a good time for 'another' TVNZ scandal (IMO), especially if it shows Ms Clark and/or her govt in a bad light! Think positively!

It falls on the rich and poor alike...
Raindrops keep falling on the head of Fletcher Buildings' head-honcho, Ralph Waters. Irony anybody? Does fate have a sense of humour? :-)

Only coz we love him...
Well,... only coz he makes good copy - Gratuitous Winston fluff: Conflicting translations over the term "baubles" as uttered in the Peters' Dialect. Never known for his reticence, Rodney wins 'quip o' the day'.

"this loser over here has come up and taken the biggest bauble his greedy chops could reach around"

Scintillating oratory, Mr Hide! And that's why we love you, too.
Our political soap opera as usual. These are the days of our lives...

slouching towards Gomorrah

Eats roots and leaves?
Latex Durex survey shows average kiwi eats, roots, roots, roots and then leaves, clocking up 114 bonks p/a - the rest of the cold-showered world, a paltry 108. We're also sluttier than everyone else ('cept the Norwegians) with respect to one-night stands. Most yuckily, 65% have had unprotected sex with a partner without knowing their sex history (some folk I know do so without knowing partner's name).

We're not the only society on the slippery slope. Thomas Sowell opines on the French riots and the folly of multi-culturalism that could spell the end of Western Civ... if we let it.

The Governor General's speech from the throne douses any hope for tax cuts from this administration.

"Fiscal loosening... by way of significant tax cuts -- cannot be considered,"

reckons Dame Silvia. But some good news if:

"the telecommunications sector becomes more competitive [so] that we achieve faster broadband uptake"

Which'll mean we'll be able to idle more time away on the net, but faster. Nothing quite like wasting time 'efficiently'.

Supreme Court judge, Sir Kenneth Keith becomes the first Kiwi elected to the International Court of Justice. Congrats, and I should be glad, but truth is I don't care much for the UN or its dubious judicial branch. A bigger bunch of sleazy, corrupt, incompetent, thieving bureaucrats you never did meet. I expect the ICJ will remain a forum for suspect characters from despotic hell-holes to bring bogus charges against the US & Israel. Good on Pres Bush for tossing the ICJ to the curb! Now if he'd just dump the whole UN, too...

Not YOU again!!

Just go away...
Sue Woods has last laugh (so far) with her ERA victory, meaning she may be a TV presence for some time yet. You can take your i-pods off, kids!

Shouldn't really bag her; chief-Helenophile himself, Mark Sainsbury, would likely replace her. How indigestion-inducing! Which would only please that horrible old bag they call 'the PM', currently unhappy as the reputation of Labour's chief propaganda outlet becomes ever more sullied.

Just go away II...
Like a bout of recurring tinea, looks like Nandor Tanczos is back replacing Mr Donald (if he can pull his "distraught" self together, that is) not ony as an MP, but probably also as co-leader. Criminy! Not even the Greens deserve that! Rod's passing is tragic in more ways than one.

Just go away III...
Paying respectful tribute to Puti Murray and Rod Donald in his maiden speech, Hone Harawira reveals his gentle side. But only for a short while, before excoriating politicians far and wide:

"I have.. heard.. and seen.. the poor behaviour of.. those who would lead this nation, and I wonder at the childishness.. the point-scoring, the malicious statements.. the interruptions, the abuse, the chanting, and the sheer immaturity of.. debate"

For a minute there, I thought he was talking about marae meetings. Who'd have thought he had such tender sensibilities? Such genteel refinement! His sweet old mum must've brought him up real well.

thank my lucky (tv) stars

Finally, good news at the Herald! The insufferable (IMO) Ms Wood will no longer be gracing our screens after Dec 31. Hallelujah!

"her TVNZ contract.. bans her from speaking publicly"

I wished it banned her while speaking on-screen. I've never trusted her 'objectivity' since Undie-gate. She was overwrought when SFO announced that although Tuku was dodgy & sleazy, he wasn't criminal. All the TVNZ yapping-heads were crushed. All that time, money, effort & hype about a scandal that wasn't all that in the end.

Fast forward a few years and the upshot is that now, her smaller income means things might start getting louder domestically.
Hints for her kids. When mum starts shouting, remember:

• it's not usually serious until she starts swearing
  
• it's not that serious until she grabs something to whack you with
• depending on age, you're probably fitter, faster, nimbler, and can out run her
• lucky it's not the old man
  
• if you manage to record it, some sleazy media outlet'll probably pay you for it. Good luck!

RIP, Rod Donald

Sad news that Greens co-leader, Rod Donald, died last night at his Banks Peninsula home of a heart attack. Mr Donald, 48, entered parliament in 1996 after a lifetime of environmental activism. He is survived by 3 daughters (me tana wahine). Farewell, Mr Donald. RIP.

Party leaders extend their condolences to his whanau.

Takoto mai, e hoa.
Takahi atu i Te Ara Whanui-a-Tane!
Haere atu ki te po! Hoki wairua mai!
Moe mai, moe mai.

A, ka huri ki te Ao Marama...


1 down, 3 to go... All Blacks beat Wales in Cardiff, 41-3, in an error-ridden first-half match. Rico Gear scored 3 tries, Dan Carter crossed the line twice and was on song with the boot, collecting 26 points, with Chris Jack man of the match. Good to hear they found time to play rugby in between all the drinking... :-)
but seriously, good on ya boys!

unlike our friends 'cross the Tazzy... who slumped to their 6th test defeat in a row, losing 26-16 to Les Grenouilles in Marseille. Strewth! Which must mean subdued celebrations for skipper, George Gregan, who becomes the most capped player in history tallying up 115 appearances for Aussie.
Quite a bummer really. Obviously, I can't support the Wallabies, but I Can't Stand the french. Hope Ozzys can avoid those molotov cocktails on way back to airport.

"he kakano i ruia mai i Rangiatea"
borne of seed sown... a long time ago (in a galaxy far, far away?) *
...reminded of that beautiful proverb while reading cool article [hattip, Mr Hutton] on cosmobiology. It's well established that rocks from Mars & elsewhere hit earth all the time. What are the chances of live microbes being carried here from Out There...?

* "Rangi-atea" may also be translated as "wide-open heavens", "infinite skies", "boundless space" etc.

Controversy at NZ Herald Award Ceremony

AUCKLAND - Tempers frayed, guests booed and tears fell at the annual NZ Herald prizegiving tonight. A horrified audience gasped at the shock announcement of the blue-riband prize, the John Manukia Award, which insiders dub 'the Kiwi Pulitzer' for outstanding services to NZ victimhood.

The controversial winning piece, "Don't call us..." was hailed for its stunning breadth, quirky anonymity, and daring innovative pastiche. "There's so much hurt in this column," enthused chief judge Janet MacIntyre, "a world of pain, but there's fragile, aching beauty, too" she sighed.

Amid hostile catcalls from the crowd, red hot favourite and acclaimed feminist author, Lu Cleave, was devastated that her provocative "Officers facing burnout or breakdown" was relegated to runner-up. "But I worked so hard!" she shrieked through tears. "This is all Fran O'Sullivan's fault, that right-wing Nazi!" she fired, storming out in front of a mortified Auckland mediarati.

Her mentor, Phil Kitschener, was resigned. "We'll just have to try harder next year. Winning's not everything," he shrugged. "The important thing is the public has a right to know just how brutal and corrupt cops really are!" he spat indignantly before abruptly exiting.

More drama ensued as the judging panel delivered caustic appraisals of the other two entries. Catherine Masters' "Crime-busting goes private" scorned for it's callous impartiality and failure to evoke personal sympathy. "Where's the personal angle, the grief, the everyday suffering?" demanded a critic. "Is this what journalism has come to? Merely reporting facts and discussing issues while ignoring people's real pain?"

Likewise Phil Taylor's "Do nothing plan defended" was savaged for its unrelenting hostilty and insensitivity to the Herald's female readership. "I'm staggered someone would actually dare quote a policeman," shot an unnamed senior writer, "especially knowing how many of our readers themselves have been traumatised by cops. Talk about rubbing salt in the wound! Are we trying to re-victimise them by giving voice to their tormentors? Is that the contempt our paper holds for women?"

Additional reporting by Helen Tunnah.

9 party Govt?

Following in the disloyal footsteps of Anderton, Peters, Dunne & Turia, the MP for Rakaia may soon, too, be flexing his waka-jumping muscle if he falls out completely with the Nats (worst case scenario). Assuming he's re-elected, that is. Assuming also, the waka-jumping-banning bill doesn't pass. Poor man. Mid-life crisis? Maybe he just needs a hug. Wonder what his constituents think. Wonder what rest of country'd think of a 9 party parliament. Yuck!! Makes the govt seem EVEN BIGGER.

Oh well, "Sh*t happens" - as our Minister of Smarm would say, dismissing another expensive Labour crony stuff-up. Lucky they're good at raking in the dough.

From the ick files... Kiwi legal history made as 2 chicks found guilty of sexually violating woman. Reminds me of that feminist slogan, "girls can do anything!" Reminds me I have to take back that video...

No need to make a song & dance about it.. The ABs throw Diva-size hissy-fit over changes in event schedule. Reminder: you're there to play rugby, not razzle-n-dazzle 'em. Who cares? Just win the tests! Save your pois for the pissup afterwards.

what happened today

Bruce Logan from Maxim Institute to retire after plagiarism hullabaloo... A loss for kiwi VRWConspirators IMO - Maxim's reputation tarnished. Never mind the public disgrace, Bruce. Soldier on! As someone with dubious past & unsavoury reputation, I can tell you the whole 'public acclaim' thing is WAY overrated. Only mana-munchers and egomaniacs care what others think of 'em, only primadonnas never admit to mistakes, only cowards are too scared to fight detractors, and only losers don't get up & brush themselves off after falling.

Keep writing, I say, stuff the critics! Keep going - under a pseudonym if necessary - on blogs, chat rooms, mail lists, where ever. Charge on in the war of ideas against the loons. No retreat, no surrender.

Gratuitous Royalty Fluff Piece: WaPo ditz, Tina Brown fawns as Chuck & Camilla do NYC. Riveting and Important... NOT! Pay attention anyway, he may one day be YOUR King!

Unless, of course, the Republicans have their say. Right now, what matters is equal rights. Eschewing royalty and Maori separatism, Kerry Bevin boldly proclaims:

"Once we have adopted the Constitution, a Republic of New Zealand Party Government will remove all institutions based on race including the Maori seats."

No mention of the not insignificant matter of having to actually win an election first.

Ne'er a day passes without the Herald's Speciality. Part-time police horror reporter, Si O'Rourke, bemoans cops 'too busy' to investigate boy-racer punk whose cherished vehicle was interfered with. Poor little petrol-head! My left-wing heart bleeds profusely. ALSO: Shocking case of Akld couple who called police only to find they didn't Arrive Immediately to investigate complaint.

But good news that Pania swims back home. She probably figured with Labour gone from the Napier seat it was safe to return.

"She's got a couple of scratches and bumps but is basically okay"

I guess Russell Fairbrother didn't go quietly, after all.

the natives are revolting

Any excuse to moan about that publication... Hat-tip, Mr Bhatnagar for HOT GOSSIP P.A. link about disaffected writers at The Unmentionable Daily. NZH's 'premium' wordsmiths unhappy in the new commercial environment. Holy schadenfreude, Batman - I'm havin' a ball! (w/apologies & condolences to signatories G. George & C. James - whose columns I actually enjoyed).

To be perfectly magnanimous, I'm somewhat sympathetic to the freelancers feeling ripped-off by Herald management. Still, re copyright laws: shoulda read the fineprint! Whadda sad mess. Couldnt'a happened to a nicer paper :-)

It just gets better... Over at TV One, Susan Woods mopes to ERA about how stress of being underpaid only $350K made her shout at the kiddies. Poor little rich girl. (My mum use to do it to us for far less)

Couldn't agree more... "The TVNZ board should be sacked," says National, sticking the boot in over current fracas. Isn't it great to have a Real Opposition again?

at a glance...

Out of the loop? Ozzies don't tell us about terror threat to Lucky Country. Unusual the threat comes at very time Howard seeks support for controversial anti-terror legislation. Hope new info isn't sourced from refugee children thrown off the Tampa... It's my country & I'll cry if I want too... Good on PM for standing up to Islamoterrorists. Go, Johnny, go! Evidence that short, fat, bald, bespectacled old men with bad accents can still melt hearts.

Howdy... to our new American ambassador, William McCormick, who arrives next Monday with impeccable resume [a] a kaimoana entrepeneur - man after own stomach, and [b] a major fundraiser for pres Bush. I like him already.

Tantrum alert: Brian Connell miffed at his low placing on Brash's totem pole.

But Nanny, you said they were dangerous... Unceasing wonders as Govt decides against banning fireworks despite results of Fire Service's (as yet unscrutinised) survey showing popular public support. Fainting that Greens don't support the ban, usually never missing opportunity to play meddling bossy-boots.

NZHerald Bonus: Judge Louisa Borrin with damning indictment on Akld policing as wallet theft victim's life left in tatters. Read & weep.

catfight at the NZ Herald?

Furious competition today for the coveted title of "NZ's Biggest Anti-Cop Hack." Topseed & incumbent, Lou Cleave, with true stories of People Who Actually Survived theft of personal items, was disappointing against a resurgent and in-form Juju Middleton, whose Chilling credit card saga shows why she's the bookies' pick this season.

Seems the daily media barrage of Keystone Kop Kapers has not gone unnoticed in the corridoors of power. National's police spokesman gravely intones:

"You only need to pick up a newspaper to read daily stories of victims [of police]"

Oh, stop shilling for the Herald, Mr Power!

Commuter assault
Entering Wgtn Railway Stn ( splendid architectural marvel) a schoolboy thrusting papers at hapless passers-by, I acquired a copy of the execrable Capital Times. The political bias was appaling: venomous left-wing diatribe, libel, character attacks - and that was just the sports column. The absolute low point being Judith Aitken's bizarre rant against Wayne the Eradicator. Evoking Rosa Parks, religion, Iraq, The Nats, Bush (for no clear purpose) her insane burblings perfectly illustrate the 'logic deficit' of lefties. They don't think logically, they free associate, thoughts waft tangentially with no regard to natural order, sequencing or causation. They sound like drunks.

Dunno what's scarier: this woman used to head the ERO; the entire Wgtn bureaucracy is infested with like-minded types; this trash (CapTimes) is so aggressively promoted; or that we've got schoolboys doing the promoting.

Luckily, not all Wgtn gals are dodos. The Queen of the Beehive Press Gallery (John A's the King - despite working for you-know-which paper) gives a thoughtful, clear-eyed account of the rise of the Terminator. Zinger:

"McCully is one of the few politicians able to match Mr Peters for political cunning"

Quite a feat!

Bad Apples

Ain't Quicktime for Movies the most ghastly, clunky cyber-freebie? Even worse than horrible Adobe Acrobat. Clumsy & slow, it hijacked my whole puter - changed all my pics & everything. Even starts up by itself at boot-up time. The cheek! Who asked it to open? And when uninstalled there was tons of 'leftovers' in the registry & stuff. No thanks Apple - your wares are pirau!

And speaking of rotten to the core, The Herald's daily disastrous-police report has the intrepid Nic Boyes, ever vigilant against dysfunctional cops, relating the personal trauma of one poor sod's stolen van recovery. Said journo's reputation is now greatly enhanced after risking life, limb, PLUS the ire of a ticketed bike rider to snap that perfect Kodak moment. Now that's commitment!

A Masterton dinner went horribly amiss when a woman, invited to a meal hosted by two lesbians, found herself unwittingly on the menu. Talk about "manaaki-tounger!"

So that's why fees have gone up... Wi Nepia is given 26-month sentence for defrauding Ngai Tauira (Maori student Assn, Vic Uni) of $160K whilst treasurer there, to feed gambling habit. I actually know Wi, in person, and attended several hui with him during our varsity years. Didn't know he was majoring in Indigenous Commerce & Accounting. Looks like he graduated!

burp...

Latest ACT letter impugns Hone Harawira's good name implying the newly elected MP seeks to host banquets at Bellamy's on the public's dime, a big No-No. The Northland will probably be so incensed by this startling, racist allegation, they'll arrange another hikoi & protest at Parliament. Followed by lunch, of course... Hone's shout.

but Girl! I thought we were sisters...
The Letter inflames rumours about Georgie getting the heave-ho, her usefulness to Helen expired now that Winny & Pete are new bedpals. Remember when it was all so cosy; Ms Beyer feted as the embodiment of our bright, shiney, progressive tolerance. What a difference an election can make.

kia kaha, bro!
Kiwi SAS soldier injured in Afghanistan during ordinance disposal. Injuries aren't life threatening. Get well soon, bro! Thanks for your service. God bless!